Author: Roots and Wings Counseling

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Growing Pains – Learning to Live After Cancer

Posted on by Roots and Wings Counseling

So you finally finished that last cancer treatment – good for you! You have endured 2295739months of tests and diagnosis’. You have learned so much about surgery, chemotherapy, radiation, and experimental trials you could fill the pages of a book. You have a list of doctors a mile long, and a medical record so lengthy it could take years to read it from start to finish. Then there is the waiting. You waited for test results, doctors’ calls, surgeries, and treatments. You waited in doctor’s offices for what seemed a lifetime. Then suddenly it all stopped. You said good-bye to the treatment staff that cared for you for months. Doctor visits are made quarterly instead of weekly. Your family may have even thrown you a “cancer is done” party. So why don’t you feel “done”? How do you live now without your care team monitoring every breath? Isn’t this what you looked forward to all these months?

As a cancer survivor, I have also experienced these same conflicting emotions. To family and friends you look better. Maybe your hair is beginning to come in, or you appear less exhausted from radiation, but did you know that it takes a full year from the date of the last treatment for most cancer survivors to feel whole again? There is no question cancer takes its toll physically, but some of the most difficult days of cancer survival are in the days following treatment. While receiving treatment we are caught up in the “doing” of cancer. The routine of treatment, doctor’s visits, and other therapies provide a safety net of support as we navigate the tightrope of emotions during the cancer healing process. But when the safety net is removed it is not uncommon to feel suddenly adrift and unsteady. Where do we go from here?

In her book You Can Thrive After Treatment, Debbie Woodbury shares some simple tips for creating a joyous, inspired life after cancer. She speaks of the importance of nurturing the mind, body and spirit in the days, months, weeks, and even years following treatment. Although the scars of cancer may have faded on the outside, the body is still in the recovery process, and we must be gentle and patient with our progress toward wellness. Perhaps you are coping with a secondary diagnosis as a result of your cancer treatment, or still experiencing days of fatigue months after walking out of the cancer center. The emotional scars of cancer can take longer to heal for some than the outward physical changes brought about by surgery, chemotherapy, or radiation. The spirit needs permission to heal. Woodbury reminds us to remember to breathe deeply, meditate in whatever form is comfortable, fill the body with healthy foods, and get plenty of rest. Dr. Bernie Siegel, medical oncologist and founder of the Exceptional Cancer Patients Foundation, says we must send our bodies a “live message”. By nurturing our physical, spiritual, and emotional selves we remind the body that it is safe to live outside of the regiment of cancer treatment.

Is there life after cancer? The life we knew before diagnosis may never be the same. We may struggle to rectify our old life before cancer and who we have become as survivors. We can celebrate a new type of birthday, one that recognizes our strength, hope, vulnerabilities, and wisdom. By surrounding ourselves with other survivors we see our new identity reflected in their eyes and know that we can not only live, but THRIVE after cancer –   by Susan Orlando, LLPC, NCC

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Carol Brady, Clair Huxtable & Other Parenting Myths

Posted on by Roots and Wings Counseling

Recently, I read an article about a young mother wondering if anything she accomplished in her day amounted to much of anything. Truthfully, we might all feel the same way from 1789513time to time. The laundry lies unfolded on the floor, dishes pile in the sink, we forgot to make cookies for the bake sale, and we haven’t showered in days. We wonder,” where did that competent, witty, intelligent women go?” Some women stay home with their children, longing for the days of presentations and working lunches. Others spend their days at on the job trying to focus on the report that is due in an hour, when all they really want to know is how their son did on his big science project, or if their daughter made the soccer team. We ask ourselves, “How can I possibly be enough?”

As women we grew up watching successful tv mothers like Carol Brady and June Cleaver perfectly content in their role as a stay at home mother. We admired Clair Huxtable’s ability to successfully manage a home, children, and career while still finding time for nights out with her husband. As we drop into bed exhausted from our efforts to be the perfect mom, wife, daughter, friend we might ask ourselves what am I doing wrong? We might even have thoughts of disappointment in motherhood. This isn’t what we expected when we dreamed of starting a family.

The truth is parenting is the most difficult job you will ever have. You are on call 24 hours a day, you get no vacation time or sick days, there are no raises or bonuses and the return on your investment is slow. Too often our culture devalues the role of motherhood. How many times have we heard a woman say “I am just a mom” if she stays home to raise her children? A mother who works outside of the home may feel unsupported by her employer when she needs time off to care for a sick child forcing her to choose between her children and her career. In her book, Life Will Never Be the Same, Ann Dunnewold, Ph.D. speaks of the Supermom Myth which implies there is only one right way to be a good mother. The Supermom is loving but firm. She listens and then acts. She is always in control. She always knows the right thing to do or say and does it perfectly. Her home is always in order and her children are always neat and properly dressed. Trying to live up to these impossible standards leaves us feeling inferior, or worse, a failure as a mother.

There are many functional ways to parent and mother our children.   When a woman creates her own definition of motherhood she can stop blaming herself for not living up to the Supermom expectations. She can create her own standards of motherhood based on love and acceptance of her needs and limitations. Her children will thrive with a mother who understands that mistakes in life are not only inevitable, but opportunities for growth. She will teach her children about the importance of self-care by taking time to nurture her personal needs. So are you good enough? Absolutely! – by Susan Orlando